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Tag Archives: Eccles

January 19th, 2017

O Worship the Pope!

If you haven’t yet chosen the blog Eccles Is Saved as one of your favourites, as I have suggested you should, you will have missed this post. Warning: depending on your temperament, the video may induce intense anger, a strong desire to vomit, or a fit of howling maniacal laughter.

We strongly recommend this video by Emily Clarke, which has been produced in honour of Pope Francis, due to visit Ireland next year in order to see whether there are any Catholics remaining there. It shows the best of modern Catholicism, pushing aside Jesus Christ in favour of an unqualified adoration of the Holy Father. According to the lyrics, “The Lord kept his promise to us and sent us a treasure to see us safely home.” This treasure being, er, the pope.

Papa Francis 1

Shine, Francis, Shine!

Of course the pope, being a humble and modest man, has angrily written to sister Emily to tell her to delete her video, which anyone but the most arrogant of people would find rather embarrassing. Luckily we still have some screen captures to see us safely home.

Papa Francis 2

A quick change of dress mid-song, and we pose in front of the Tabernacle.

Actually, dear Emily may not have changed her dress in the middle of the song; it may be a trick of the light, like that ambiguous dress which, according to the Daily Mail, has “baffled the Internet” because nobody is sure what colour it really is. And nobody really cares.

Papa Francis 3

The first ascent of the north face without ropes. And another change of dress.

According to the song, the pope was chosen by God, as a leader for our times. Well, it was either God or the St Gallen Mafia, and we still haven’t sorted out all the contradictions in the apostolic exhortation Austenis Iveria. But let’s be charitable and suppose that the Holy Spirit spoke through Cormac Murphy-O’Connor when Francis was chosen.

Papa Francis 4

Very dignified. Very tasteful. Oh, and the dress – what there is of it – is red.

Well, thank you very much, Emily. We’ll let you know.

For those whose collection of Pope St Francis memorabilia is still not complete, we have another exhibit.

Santo sùbito! A miraculous medal.

Well, that’s enough papalistic adoration for now. In fact, the medal I was given says “Insult us” on the back, and that does seem to be a more likely prospect.

However, we can report that the crisis involving the Knights of Malta seems to have been resolved. You will recall that it had reached an impasse, with the conversation reduced to “You have no authority to judge us.” “Oh, yes we have!” “Oh no, you haven’t!” etc. Finally, following my personal intervention, we have a solution.

pope squares up to Fra' Matthew Festing

Pope Francis and Fra’ Matthew Festing decide to settle things by sumo wrestling.

November 25th, 2016

A thoroughly modern Mod’s favourite things

With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein

This is from the latest Eccles blogpost. He just gets better and better.

Masses with puppets and tambourine jingles,
Long-lasting “kisses of peace”, where one mingles,
Rich German bishops all wrapped up in bling,
These are a few of my favourite things.

 Cardinal Kasper and all his new teaching,
All of Pope Francis’s aeroplane preaching,
Amoris Laetitia, and all that it brings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Wacky professors who’d ordain some females,
People who sit in the Mass reading e-mails,
Paul Inwood’s music, which everyone sings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

traditional Latin Mass

When the priest prays, when the choir sings,
When I meet a “Trad”,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

September 6th, 2016

The Spirit of Amoris Laetitia

One of the few consolations of this appalling pontificate is the number of  bloggers who cheer up the hard-pressed faithful by poking innocent fun at some of our Holy Father’s counsels. Take this, for instance, which recently appeared in “Eccles Is Saved”:

Dear Holy Father,

I have been reading your guide Amoris Laetitia a little at a time, and eventually got to Paragraph 226, where it advises married couples to try a morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together, and sharing household chores. So this morning I gave my wife Doris a morning kiss, and this evening I gave her an evening blessing. She asked me why I was suddenly behaving so strangely and accused me of having an affair.

I stormed out and went to the Jesuit’s Arms pub for a refreshing pint of Reese and Martin’s Old Peculier. However, Doris did welcome me home with a traditional blow from her rolling-pin when I came back later, so I feel that the Spirit of Amoris Laetitia has entered our home.

I have decided to surprise her tomorrow by sharing the household chores.

Ricky Fathead.

pope reading a letter

“Another satisfied customer!”


 

Dear Sir or Madam,

My husband Ricky Fathead has broken our washing-machine by attempting to wash the cats in it. His excuse was that Amoris Laetitia told him to do it. I am holding you personally responsible.

Doris Fathead (Mrs)

P.S. The cats are fine.

cat in washing-machine

A victim of Amoris Laetitia.


 

Dear Mr Bergoglio,

My wife has now left me, taking the cats with her. I blame Amoris Laetitia. So I have decided to leave the Catholic Church and become a Tablet-reader instead. Ha!

Ricky Fathead.

October 6th, 2015

Poisonous Weeds at the Synod

 From the “Eccles is Saved” blog.

There was a man who sowed good cardinal seed in his field: among the numerous varieties planted there were Burkeus Cappamagnificus, a traditional American grain, Pellus Boomerangus, a robust Australian variety, and Mueller Fortis, one of the few reliable German plants; but there were other spiritually nourishing varieties too numerous to mention. But then while men were asleep, an enemy came and sowed tares (cockle, darnel) among the wheat, and went his way

tares or darnel

Warning – contains nuts!

Among the poisonous grains were the German weed, Kasperus Absurdus, guaranteed to induce dizzy spells, Danneelus Pervertophilus, the toxic Belgian variety, not to mention the dreaded Baldisserius Liberraptor, and Marxus Stultusbarbus the hideous German creeper. And alas, there were many others.

So when the blade was sprung up, and had brought forth fruit, then appeared also the tares.

And the servants of the good man came to him and said, “Sir, did you not sow good seeds in the field? Where did the weeds come from?”

And he said to them, “An enemy has done this.” And the servants said to him, “Do you want us to gather up the weeds?”

“No,” said the man, “I have a better idea. We will allow both to grow until the time of the Synod, and then we will harvest them together.”

 burning the tares

Synod time!

“At the harvest, we’ll gather the tares, and bind them into bundles for burning (the CDF tells me we’re still allowed to do this); but the good wheat we’ll keep. But just to make it more fun, we’ll get the wheat and the tares to spend three weeks voting on which of them is the true harvest, and which the poisonous weeds.”

We are not sure what happened next.

July 18, 2015

What the Plutonians Think of Us

Here is a recent blog post from a  site called Eccles Is Saved, which I recommend.  A Plutonian astronaut named Buzz Weeblezog reports on a recent mission to Earth:

Following a recent visit to our beloved Pluto by a craft sent by the Earthlings, we took a trip to Earth to see whether intelligent life had started to develop there. When we last visited the planet, 50 Earth-years ago, the world was under the control of hippies, liberals, communists, and the Spirit of Vatican II, so we decided to come back later when their civilisation had developed beyond this.

I regret to say that the Earth is still as barbarous as ever it was. I discovered an organization called Planned Parenthood whose sole purpose is to enable Earthwomen to destroy their young. These are then sold to distinctly dubious organizations: I could not determine whether the young were used for experiments, evil rituals, or simply cooked and eaten, but it seemed that all these are considered to be legitimate activities.

Religion continues to flourish on Earth, although there are many ‘God deniers’. We found a big man dressed in white, whose job it is to guide a large group of religious people. This he does (mysteriously) by venerating communist artefacts—these celebrate a form of government that was very active when we last visited, and which killed millions of people.

The big white man has one overwhelming fear— that the world may end with something called ‘Climate Change’. For us Plutonians the Earth is indeed very hot, although no more so than when we last visited. We do not yet have the big white man’s comments on the killing organisation Planned Parenthood.

Pope on plane

The big white man thinks that he will be saved if he collects enough “Air Miles”.

Elsewhere, we observed a strange tendency for male humans to attempt to breed with other males, or females with females, sometimes using a courtship ritual that involves waving a striped flag. Perhaps their knowledge of biology is not as advanced as we thought.

This was just a short visit, and unfortunately we mostly observed the Earthlings engaged in wickedness. Still, it is not all mass murder, although this does seem to be one of their most popular customs.

Latin Mass

A rare indication that humans may be more advanced than animals.

Conclusion: the planet is not yet sufficiently developed for us to wish to make contact with its inhabitants. Except, perhaps, the cats.

 

June 7th, 2015

Archbishop Martin’s Missing Backbone

His Grace of Dublin does not take kindly to criticism. I know at least two journalists who received  telephone tongue-lashings from Archbishop Martin after writing things of which he disapproved.

Diarmuid Martin

Archbishop Martin: Not a Happy Bunny…

I think if he ever sees this, he’ll go absolutely spare. I have shamelessly pinched it from a blog called  “Eccles”,  where it appeared a few days before the sodomistic pseudogamy referendum.

Bishop Philip Egan of Portsmouth has confirmed that the relics which arrived at Southampton today pertain to Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin, and not, after all, to Blessed Louis and Zélie Martin, the parents of St Thérèse of Lisieux. Apparently, this was a ‘replacement item’, delivered when the real relics were out of stock.

It is normally considered ‘bad form’ to open the box and see what the relics actually consist of, but in this case an exception was made and it was discovered that what had been delivered was the lost backbone of Archbishop Martin. This was reported missing earlier today, when the good archbishop declared that, although he himself would vote against same-sex ‘marriage’, he had no wish to stuff his religious views down other people’s throats. After all, it’s not an archbishop’s job to give moral leadership and guidance (ask Vincent Nichols!)

Bishop Egan has declared himself dissatisfied with the replacement item, feeling that the archbishop’s spine is unlikely to be truly an object of veneration, nor indeed capable of working minor miracles.

backbone

Not a very sacred relic.

Meanwhile, other prominent Irish Catholics have entered the ‘same-sex marriage’ debate, including the silenced Red Emptyhead, Tony Flummery. Faithful to the Vatican’s command Pone soccum in eo, O Antoni (“put a sock in it, Tony”), Fr Flummery has maintained a dignified silence, talking only to the trees and his pet rat, O’Connor. However, lacking any concrete guidance from Archbishop Martin, a man whom he deeply reveres, it seems that Fr Flannery will probably vote “yes” in accordance with Enda Kenny’s wishes.

Enda Kenny

‘Another text from Satan. What can he want now?’